Dear Idiotic & Foolish Bridegrooms, Virginity ≠ Purity.

I was confused whether I should scold the movies or the society for this myth? Almost 2014 and we are living a life our ancestors dreamt of. But still some stuff came along and one of them is about “Virginity”.

Though it is difficult for me to write about this topic, I wanted to write this topic hoping it could change few bridegrooms and save few lives. I remember reading this somewhere, not sure whether it was WhatsApp or Facebook, but it got my attention very much, it was like people – “..using a white bed sheet on the first night of marriage just to check the bride’s virginity!” Not only this shocked me, but also made me feel bad for the way I learned about virginity. To be honest, it is nothing, it is just a small layer or tissue, and I just learned the term for that, it’s called “hymen”. Is a small tissue deciding a girl’s fate? WTF is that?

How *Some* Men Generally See A Girl’s Virginity

You always wanted to see a girl as Sania Mirza or Kalpana Chawla, but you were not able to realize that when girls do physical activities through sports or any adventurous kinds of stuff that could rupture her hymen, which breaks the seal.

Unless we interact and learn about our opposite gender it is impossible to change that thought. We live in a lustful world, eyeing girls here and there. It’s hard to change the society, but we can change some people. Most men want their brides to be virgins, and I’m not opposing this thing because those men could be virgins and want to experience sexual activity with a virgin. But sometimes (for men) you are a virgin just because you didn’t have *that* opportunity, seriously. We have another issue with Masturbation when men masturbate it doesn’t really matter. It’s just a time pass or stress relax. But when women masturbate, there is a possibility that it could break their hymen without their knowledge, I mean not every girl knows about her stuff unless she had someone who could explain to her what could happen next. This could be mainly due to sex toys and other objects, which should be a must no-no.

Virginity And Purity

When a man finds out that his wife is not a virgin, the ultimate thought that crosses his mind could be whether she had sex with anyone else or is she is betraying me? C’mon, it’s not wrong to think like that, but it’s wrong to think like that without knowing about what virginity is. Consult someone who is experienced enough to understand what virginity is and what hymen is. Remember if women started to fight that they will marry only virgin men, then most of us won’t even get married. :

Sexuality is not a Sin, it’s just a human need. Virginity is more like a trust, which shouldn’t be broken. But Virginity is a big thing in India and Indian parents are very strict about it. But right now breaking the virginity has become a trend among youngsters.

Virginity ≠ Purity. Virginity = Hymen (A Small Tissue)

I’m an Atheist and I hate when people compare Virginity with Holiness or God stuff. If you say Virginity is a gift from God, then there’s no point in having female Gods. Someone recently asked, “What if she had sex with someone before and she lost her virginity? She is not a pure girl right?” I’m not sure about the kind of answer he expects from me, but we can ask the same question to ourself. We both have sexual organs and we both deserve to use them. What’s the point in differentiating?

To my friend’s question, she could have lost her virginity from her previous sexual relationship with her so-called lover who later on betrayed her after achieving what he expected. She trusted him, that’s the only mistake she did, nothing else. You can move with your life, and don’t ever repeat this mistake. She could have also been raped and she is not willing to share this with anyone fearing it might hurt her parents or her future husband.

Though premarital sex is a bad thing in India, it is just ‘sex’ for us, there is no pre or post marriage blah blah. Having sex before marriage is not really cheating to future husband, it is just a mistake done by desperate youngsters. Men having sex before marriage no issue, but Women having sex before marriage big issue? Like I said I’m not an expert in these topics and I’m not a total feminist, but I have some friends who face this trouble, so these are my views. Virginity is just a human tissue, it has nothing to do with their hearts and characters. It could be a divine thing, but it doesn’t decide our fate. But don’t ever break your virginity just because you want to be modern and adapt to the gang of sick friends you have.

If you still have doubts, go and ask a doctor, even the insertion of a tampon or any medical instrument to absorb menstrual blood could break the hymen and it is not a big deal. Even, after all, this if your bridegroom or husband or lover doubts you, just show a ‘middle finger’ or use both your hands, remove them from your life, and move on. Meanwhile, if your bride or wife or lover betrays you physically and emotionally, you know what to do. B-)

Sorry for the offensive title, but you know very well for whom I mentioned those words. Both the genders (boys/girls) are equal and they both face equal burdens these days, but we should not focus on myths to decide our future wife’s character and genuineness. Yes, Virginity is a personal right of an individual person, but you can also decide whether you can preserve it and give it as a gift to your future husband. Adieu!

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    26 Comments

      • Pavan Somu

        Loosing virginity herself knowingly/unknowingly doesn’t matter but loosing virginity by having a sexual relationship for fun and enjoyment definitely matters in my view. We are humans and we should be loyal to our life partner. Otherwise there is no difference between humans and animals.
        People should get enlighten. Good post Pradeep

      • Jaikee Jaiswal

        I would like to add here that its really hard and harsh to know that your wife has slept with her lover [may be lovers] if you are a Virgin.. If you have already enjoyed by multiple girls then your wife having a premarital affair is no big issue to handle.

        Some men are egoistic in Indian society.. Even they have dozens of premarital sexual relation they would never tolerate or want to know about the sex affairs of their wife. This is a big block when it comes to crystal clear relationship..

      • Bragadeesh Prasanna

        I don’t know what to say about some comments. And when you want to have everything from TV series to iphones from west to be in India the next day or minute, we should also be ready for this cultural shock. Actually, If you read the book Volga to Ganges, things were different in the start. Hymen or no Hymen, Virgin or no virgin, you should accept the person who is coming to live with you as is. It doesn’t matter if she had loads of previous relationship. All that matters is if she is willing to have a married relationship with you. Things may even happen after marriage. And people may part. Understanding that change is the only constant it is better to move away with understanding is a better way to deal. Yes, it is harsh reality, just like death of our parents or something else. But we will move on. But what she did before marriage, is truly none of our business.

      • Meera

        This is an interesting topic. I have said this before in some other discussion and I am saying it again- Virtue and Virginity are two different things. A virgin need not necessarily be a virtuous person.

        I am not sure what premium is placed on virginity these days. But as you say, it is just a piece of tissue. There is more to marriage than worrying about whether your partner had sex with someone else before you met her. With men having sex before marriage is part of the machismo thing while with girls it is seen as something that besmirches her character.
        But I think things are different now. There are couples who are going out and many are getting into physical relationships before they get married and often the person they marry need not be the one they had sex with for the first time. Marriage is about companionship. There is also a physical angle to it certainly. I think in India people get married for the wrong reasons. In the case of girls, many get married because that is the only way to have sex- atleast that was how it used to be during our youth. But I am glad that you have raised this issue. It is about time it is discussed openly.

      • Saksham Talwar

        Well, I really appreciate for writing something like this. Many of us just prefer staying away from topics like these for *no valid reason*. And don’t understand why people relate sex, marriage and whatever. A girl has sex before marriage and later falls into problems whereas the guy who was involved with her is left unquestioned! See, of course she hasn’t had sex alone. So why this inferior treatment for girls? Our society needs to grow up!

        ~Not all may agree with what I’ve said so don’t mind. My views~

      • Meta Brown

        Pradeep,

        It’s nice to see a young man writing about positive attitudes towards women.

        One thing is important to understand, that isn’t clearly expressed here. A virgin is a person who has never experienced sexual intercourse (you can verify that right here on dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/virgin?s=t) – there is nothing more to it.

        There is no physical test for virginity. A woman who is a virgin may or may not have an intact hymen. So, a man (or woman) who believes that there is some wedding night test is badly misinformed.

        Take it from a old married lady – if you want to know if you can trust your future spouse, you must get to know one another. Trust is something built over time.

      • Sanjay

        I agree that virginity doesn’t proves purity. But do you think having illegal relationship doesn’t matters? Having sex with your boyfriend before marriage is good? I don’t think a girl with good moral can have sex with any men. Please don’t try to be so over smart. I know many would disagree with me, but this is how a man think about her partner. You can be hero in your community but seriously having sexual relationship before marriage is the worst part a woman can do in her life. I agree you are living in modern age, but don’t forget having sex before marriage is very unmoral and disgusting both for man and woman. And the post give one more reason to the youth to have sex before marriage. Keep it up, people like you are good for damaging youth minds.

        • Kaustubh

          Sanjay i agree with you and i also agree with author of this post. Having illegal relationship and sexual intercourse before marriage is wrong but that can be said for both man and woman. Many have illegal relationship these days but if they did not had any sexual intercourse they can hide it and go forward with their married life. But if they had sexual intercourse a man can easily hide it because there’s nothing to prove that he’s virgin or not because he don’t have something like “hymen” to prove it. On the other hand woman can’t hide it, at that time she just prays that her partner will accept her despite her past because woman who’s not virgin is always scared that what will her future husband will think about her, but that time we men doesn’t respond to their feelings and leave them and that’s the wrong thing to do just think yourself in woman’s place at that time, by leaving them we are just destroying their life again. A virgin woman also expects that her man should be virgin but what if the man who’s with a virgin woman is not a virgin? Can a man really say to his virgin woman ” I’m sorry i lost virginity” no he can’t he will hide it and move forward. At that time the woman is not betraying a man but man is betraying a woman. If woman did not had thing like “hymen” to prove it then she can easily hide it… Trust me if the woman does the same thing and leave her partner who’s not virgin. No man will ever get married except the one who has his virginity.The author is not trying to damage the minds of youth, he’s trying to explain his own views and the same views i stated above just try thinking out of the box..

      • Akarsh Verma

        I totally agree to you. If virginity is the first thing a guy checks up after marriage; He is a a Jackass. If that is the second thing he thinks about; nevertheless he still is a jackass. He might would have slept with 10 girls without this thought. Be honest about it and Man enough to be talked to and talk about it if you feel to need to discuss this. I believe when someone marries he should get married to the heart, To the Soul, For Love and for life after leaving carrying the good and leaving the bad past behind. If not then feel free to sleep with a competitor rather than a Lifelong friend.

      • Bharath Bhushan

        Virginity is not only for woman, I care for man also. I am a virgin so I expect a virgin girl.
        Love is more important but why you need sex to keep your love alive? If your boyfriend so desperate to have sex with you it means he does not love you it all only your body. Just ask him to marry you then have sex as many times as you want. Who stops you? so it is not a sacrifice in love it is better to leave that guy who is after your body.And NO, it is not just about an issue of a little tissue…. it is about the god’s gift that given to you that only for your husband/wife not for your boyfriend/ girlfriend.

      • vinay menon

        Hats off to the person the comments who coined the phrase “pre marital affair”. You, my dear, are an outstanding member of the human race. The fact that such educated people spend time online browsing through brilliantly researched and heart felt articles instead of porn overwhelms my senses.

      • Rajkumar

        Its definitely very hard for ‘INDIANS’ to understand the points of a rationalist. I’m a rationalist too and your point on this topic is ultimately clear for me. But I think its not gonna be of no use for narrow minded guys because they won’t understand this topic and they’ll keep talking about culture religion blah blahh…. Most of the Indians are narrow minded. It’ll take at least a century to understand these kinda topics in our country.

      • Rajeesh Nair

        The problem in India is that we have this habit of linking everything to purity of mind, soul and body. There’s a very popular misconception that Virginity is a sign of purity. I pity those people who think like that and ruin their married lives. Then there’s another misconception regarding “Menstrual Periods” in Women and they are not allowed to perform Pujas or visit Temples on those days. Periods are nothing but a way to purify a Women’s body which is a natural act and should be respected rather than biased this way.

        I prefer trust on my wife or girl friend and similarly she trusts me about not betraying each other till the time we are in a relationship together.. It doesn’t matter to me if she had a physical relation with someone else in the past..

        If we don’t stress on these useless things like Virginity or Premarital Sex and instead enjoy the time together, almost 90% of the problems in a relationship gets solved.. Trust is a strong thing and should be broken so easily..

      • abhiram

        well said bro. I appreciate the message.but everyone has their own views in this topic. people say that ‘Virginity is the state of mind’., Its true I think. When you steal an object from somebody else, you know its a bad thing and it shouldn’t be done again. but the human mind is very good at compromising, that is, when others cant find who has stolen, the one who committed mistake will tend to do the mistake again next time. I also say that it doesn’t happen in all the cases. but there is more probability that the people change their minds so often when the purest thing is lost to someone else. I think whoever lost virginity should be loyal to their partner irrespective of the past experiences. though virginity is a personal right of an individual,people just cant accept and welcome a girl who lost her virginity to someone else. but your post is truly inspiring bro. but in a country like India- Religion, sacredness and ethics play a major role and we are brought up with those.

      • farhan

        I agree with u but dude virginity doesn’t means hymen go to google n search for the word virginity the meaning will be
        ” Virginity is the state of a person who has never engaged in sexual
        intercourse”

        I dont see hymen any where in the definition….

      • parth

        I only have one question to ask what advice would you give to a guy who stayed virgin by choice in spite of having multiple chances to have sex because he believes his wife to be his first and the last .Is his case would he be wrong in demanding a virgin bride ?

      • atul saxena

        well said bro. my views on this issues are similar too but i like to share my views on this topic-
        I am not judging the people who have just lost their virginity with the flow of pure lust or having reassurance of getting married to the same.
        Who am I to judge the people in the base of virginity loss? I am none, it is personal decision to loss it or save it.
        Yes, I am a virgin of course and one day I will be married the girl it might be virgin or non-virgin , and it is really a big deal to assure the girl have previous relations or not, as doctors say that is quite impossible to know it. If she is virgin, it is good to have virgin girl but if it is not then also I have to co-operate with her, as laws favours totally to woman or my religious teaching allow to have respect to each one it might be the person have degraded or not. I am sure that my love for her will change her to be a virtuous one. I will try to forget her past relations and guard her from having again the same. If it happens again to have contact with past relations ( it might be from facebook or any social media or by any means a meeting), I have to take bold decisions it might be that my life also will become destroyed.

        I have felt bad to say in the above passage a word “degraded”. As my spiritual teachings say the same— “None is degraded for forever, it depend the person’s thoughts on that particular time. There is always a hope; degraded people may become virtuous person”.

        Now I am talking about the young generation mentality or you can say western culture which is quite getting wide spreading in our country. There is sin to see someone with their physical attributes; this is same for the girls or the boys too. We have to give marks to goodness, honesty, having a great gentle heart and likewise the great nature that person have. We have to respect a man or woman as a human being regardless of their physical attributes.

        I have seen some examples in my life. Two my friends (man) who just looks the girl with their physical attributes and they also have multiple relations with the girls too. But now they are married and facing much trouble in their personal life with their wife. I am thinking that they surely have to know how to keep girls happy with their past history to have many relations. But I found they are still the same folk thinking or desiring over the other girls. I am sure as I am close to both, they have none post-marriage relations but they still struggling to change their thoughts regarding women. They give more importance to physical attributes of girl rather than their great nature and definitely I think they will never be change to give importance to their wife virtuous nature.
        And after considering this example, I am quite sure same will be true for the girl too who has multiple relations in past too as they will be never satisfied, always looking for more.

        Sex is natural instinct or we say a requirement. But remember if you are looking for life time relations, never look for a physical attributes to men or a women, a base of relation. I think sex will be important factor till 45 or 50 years of age in general but great qualities and their pure thoughts to respect each other are must for whole life.

        In one statement, I like to say “don’t be a sex addict” because only this addiction takes the person in living hell (always craving for more beautiful or joy to have ……).

        I will never judge a girl bad who just lost their virginity and I will give importance to their virtuous and great nature but I hope she will not be a sex addict or like having mentality of my previously told friends in above passage.
        But I don’t know what is enveloped for me in future by GOD.

      • atul saxena

        India is religious country. Spirituality is the ultimate goal of life according to our ancestor. And definitely for this divine goal mind have to be pure and healthy. Worldly pleasure makes mind restless. Every religion agree on “Beauty of life is always in most simple way of life, that is most natural making mind very calm.” We all take card of our body but not seriously taking care our mental health. Even deep desire of sex make mind full of tension and lack of calmness. Premarital sex can lead to unhealthy relationships, addiction, inability to commit to a spouse, disease, spiritual uncleanliness, and unwanted pregnancies. It can also make you have an unhealthy dependency on sex and make it hard for you to value other attributes of your spouse – such as good looks, strong work ethic, intelligence, kindness, discipline, empathy, and fun.
        . So before anything think over it and avoid it.
        let we all understand the beauty of life which is in most simple things of life.

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